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Episode 2 - Loadout

Welcome back to “Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse,” the only podcast where weapons reviews include the category “Can I still explain this to my insurance company?”

In the last episode, we talked about skills and mindset, because survival starts in the brain, long before it starts in the streets. But today we’re talking gear: weapons, tools, loadouts, and more specifically, what people think they need versus what will keep them alive.

Because if the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow in the UK, most people would make the exact same mistake immediately: they would overpack, they would take too many weapons, too much weight, too much fantasy, not enough real life.

Everybody imagines themselves surviving the apocalypse like in an action movie, but very few people imagine carrying equipment for 10 straight hours, running low on calories, getting soaked in the freezing rain, and then having to climb a fence and walk 15 miles because the roads are blocked. Or, most dishearteningly of all, discovering that their “perfect” weapon becomes useless once fuel, batteries, or their own stamina disappears.

The apocalypse has never been about looking dangerous; it’s about staying functional.

So, today: weapons, gear, fuel, mistakes, and the brutal reality of carrying your survival on your back.

So, the number 1 mistake that people will make: they take too much weight, and they build for combat instead of survival. Now, that sounds ridiculous until you realize how often people do this in real life too, people optimize for image or fashion instead of function all the time. The apocalypse version of this is carrying giant knives, wearing tactical vests, carrying multiple weapons and unnecessary gadgets, meanwhile forgetting water, medical supplies, a spare pair of socks, some calories.

The reality is very simple: your loadout should solve problems, not create them. You should carry what works for you; your problems require your solutions. But don’t overpack.

Here are some things I’d consider. Firstly, weapons. And I’d carry 2. But let’s talk weapons properly: I don’t currently have a medieval mace, so I won’t have one when the dead start getting back up and need their faces smashing in. That’s just logic. Not movie logic, but real-life logic. And every weapon has hidden costs, be it weight or maintenance, noise, fuel, stamina, attracting attention. And in survival situations, when you think about it, attention is one of the most dangerous things that you can attract.

So, my weapon number 1:

A crowbar. The strongest of all-round choices, in my own opinion. They are nearly indestructible, multi-purpose, you can use them for breaking into sheds as well as skulls, they require no maintenance and require no fuel and no ammunition. But they are heavy for long-distance travel, they require quite close range for contact, they will be physically exhausting over time. And the problem with all melee weapons in general is stamina. Movies never show exhaustion realistically. Swinging metal repeatedly while stressed, sleep-deprived, dehydrated, and terrified, that drains people incredibly fast.

Weapon choice number 2:

The hatchet or small axe. Probably one of the most available and best-balanced UK apocalypse tools. Now, this is a survival tool first and an effective weapon second. It’s useful for building shelters and fire prep, it’s relatively compact, and it’s got very effective close-range striking power. It will require accuracy, so you will need some skill. It might get stuck in a piece of wood, or the head of the undead that’s trying to eat your brain. Maintenance might be required, and it can be very dangerous to yourself if poorly handled. But its biggest advantage is versatility. A hatchet is always useful, even when there are no zombies involved. It’s a utility-first survival tool with a strong defensive capability.

Now, before we move on from weapons as a sidebar, we need to address firearms. In American apocalypse discussions, firearms dominate everything. And that makes sense; their environment supports it. Firearms are available, ammunition seems to be everywhere, they have. Rural landscapes, and vehicle-based travel is possible, but the UK is very different. Firearms are uncommon, tightly regulated, and ammunition becomes finite almost immediately.

But even in the USA, firearms come with enormous hidden liabilities. They have some pros, they have a distance advantage, they’re a psychological deterrence, and they have very, very high stopping power. But the cons: the noise will attract attention, they are ammunition-dependent, very maintenance-heavy, they weigh quite a lot, they have limited sustainability. And movies, they ignore the noise of guns constantly.

Gunfire in urban environments creates echoes for incredible distances, and one loud encounter could create 10 more problems. And eventually, every firearm becomes a second-rate club once the ammunition disappears. They are a very powerful short-term advantage with long-term sustainability issues. So, if I had a gun, I’d probably carry it, but as a psychological threat to any wannabe bad guys, rather than as an actual zombie stopper. God knows I would have no idea how to use it.

So, in addition to weapons, what else would I carry?

Well, number 1: water.

The undisputed champion of survival. Nothing matters more. Not weapons, transport, shelter, but water. A healthy person can survive weeks without food; water is a very different story. Three days without water, you’re in serious trouble.

And, in a collapse scenario, clean drinking water becomes one of the most valuable resources on Earth, immediately. It will keep you functioning and prevent fatigue, which will prevent poor decisions. It is essential for long-term survival. However, it is heavy and difficult to carry in large quantities. A litre of water weighs a kilogram, which means every litre matters. So, my recommendation: carry enough for at least 72 hours whenever possible, but no more. And have a plan for obtaining more. No item in your loadout is more important. And if you’re a driver, you should always have a couple of litres in the back of your car.

Item number 2: food.

Because energy is survival. People love discussing weapons; nobody gets excited about flapjacks, well, except me. Which is unfortunate, because calories really matter to everyone. When you’re stressed, you burn energy faster, which makes you think less clearly and your recovery slows down. Food in an apocalypse isn’t comfort; it’s fuel. Ideal choices: energy bars, trail mix, dried fruit, nuts, any compact high-calorie snacks. Avoid heavy tins. It’s good to stock up at home, but you don’t want to be carrying them with you. And anything that has complicated cooking requirements is going to be a hindrance. Without sufficient nutrition, you will become fatigued. The strongest weapon becomes useless if you are too exhausted to use it.

Number 3: a pocketknife.

Now, this is where people get confused. A pocketknife isn’t a fighting tool; it’s a problem-solving tool. It can be used in food preparation, to open packages, for helping with repairs, cutting rope, all manner of everyday tasks. Most people will use a pocketknife 100 times for utility before ever thinking about it for self-defence. They’re lightweight and compact. They’re very versatile. They do have limitations: they’re limited for strength, they’re not ideal for heavy work, but they are useful every day and essential eventually.

Number 4 on my list: a torch.

A good quality torch is one of the most underrated survival items in existence. In fact, carry 2: one rechargeable and one that takes AA batteries, because if the worst comes to the worst, you can always raid Poundland. The apocalypse won’t always happen during daylight, and UK winters can be dark for a very long time. You will need your flashlight for navigating, signalling, situational awareness. The cons: they are power-dependent, but a quality torch prevents accidents before they happen. And avoiding injury is more valuable than defending yourself from it. Often, visibility goes hand in hand with safety.

Number 5: the power bank.

The modern addition to every survival kit. For at least the early stages of a collapse, your phone remains incredibly valuable. Maps, information, offline documents, communication. The power bank will keep any critical devices like your phone running; they’re relatively lightweight. Obviously, there is a finite power supply. People will often laugh at a power bank because it seems too modern for survival. But information has always been a survival resource, and the power bank will help you hold onto that. Knowledge is also equipment.

Number 6: a good pen.

And this one might surprise some people. Why a pen? Well, because civilization runs on information, and when technology fails, information becomes physical again. Now, you can use it for making maps, writing notes, listing directions, creating inventory lists, sending messages, planning. History was built with pens long before it was built with smartphones, and they are almost weightless and endlessly useful.

There are no cons; you should always have one to hand. And if you’re at the beginning of your zombie apocalypse training journey and you want to develop the preparedness mindset, step 1: carry your own pen. A pen is a small tool with massive value. And if the worst comes to the worst, you can always stab a zombie in the eye with it.

Item number 7: paracord.

It can become a shelter support, repair material, improvised carrying systems, an emergency fastener. Some people carry it on a spool, others wear it as a bracelet, a watch strap, or on a key fob. It’s lightweight, versatile, and strong. But it’s only of any use if you know how to use it. Honestly, can you tie a clove hitch?

Item number 8: lighters.

Plural. Notice I didn’t say lighter; I said lighters multiple. One lighter is equipment, two lighters are planning, three lighters, that’s insurance. Lighters create fire, which helps with heat, cooking, and signalling.

There are no cons: cold kills people, fire prevents that, lighters start fires. Simple. The ability to create heat remains one of humanity’s oldest superpowers. Always carry more than one. Now, if I had to build a realistic list for the UK zombie apocalypse loadout, it would be water, compact food supplies, a multi-tool I don’t need to explain why, a hatchet, a first-aid kit, a pocketknife, a good quality torch, a power bank, some paracord, multiple lighters, and a pen.

Now, let’s talk about weight one more time. People imagine carrying huge survival packs because they think more equipment equals more safety. The reality is: weight destroys mobility, and mobility is survival. A realistic loadout must account for walking long distances, climbing obstacles, running occasionally, and sleep deprivation. The heavier your equipment gets, the slower your brain will work.

Decision fatigue becomes physical fatigue, and eventually every unnecessary item becomes a liability. And that is true in real life too. People overload themselves constantly. Too many commitments, too much debt, too much emotional baggage, eventually your mental health collapses under that weight. So, refine your loadout. If you don’t need it or can’t use it, don’t carry it. Then refine your items one at a time.

Do you have the best torch for the job?

Is there a lighter, stronger pocketknife?

So, what is the most important thing to have with you? Well, you know what consistently matters more than weapons and gear: functional fitness.

Can you carry weight?

Can you walk long distances and recover quickly?

Can you stay calm under stress?

Cardio beats weaponry and tactical nonsense every single time. Honestly, the average staircase is more dangerous to most people than the average zombie. Unlike movie characters, real people get tired real fast.

Have you noticed something about this list? Almost none of it is glamorous. Very little of it would look impressive in a zombie film. But that’s the point: the people who survive aren’t usually the people carrying the most weapons, or the flashiest weapons, or the biggest number of weapons. They’re the people carrying the most solutions. And that’s a lesson that applies just as much to Monday morning as it does to the end of the world.

So, the next time you see somebody online prepping for an apocalypse loadout with 6 knives, 3 axes, 2 pistols, and enough tactical nonsense to invade Belgium, ask yourself one simple question: could they carry that up a hill without wheezing like Darth Vader on helium?

Because survival isn’t about looking prepared; it’s about remaining functional after everyone else stops functioning.

Thank you for listening to Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. Stay adaptable, stay mobile, remember, this applies to your backpack and your mental health. The lighter your load, the longer you last.

And step 1: carry your own pen. Everything that’s been discussed in today’s podcast is based on my own fallible opinion. If you think I’m talking nonsense, or if you think I’ve missed something out of that pack, please let me know in the comments on Spotify, or drop me a message on Instagram at @preparingforthezombies.

Likewise, if you think you are an expert in today’s topic or anything else to do with preparing for the zombie apocalypse, please get in touch, because I am always looking for information and for people to interview on this podcast.

Thank you, and I hope to see you again soon.